Tell Me How You've Never Felt
by Youko-Kali
Summary: Stay. Fifteen seconds... Don't leave me. Ten seconds... Tell me. Five seconds... Tell me how you've never felt. One second... No... He had never been that lucky. Warning: SPOILERS. Mild one sided pairing. Mild Shounenai. Review please?


**SPOILERS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE ARE SPOILERS! Also Shounen-ai. P More on that later. Also the lyrics are from the song Thirty Minutes by T.A.T.U. Flame of Recca belongs to Nobuyuki Anzai.**

First story I've written in a LONG time. Hope you like it any how. ) My first Flame of Recca story even though I've been totally OBSESSED with this series for two years now. Cosplayed as Raiha (The manga version. He has gold/brown eyes and dark hair with a hint of brown in it in the manga, very different from the anime) at Otakon two years ago. Was gonna go again this year, even dyed my hair, but stuff came up and I still went, but I didn't feel like cosplaying.

Any who, this is a mild one sided RaihaxKurei story, so if you don't like it I don't want to hear about it. It's my favorite pairing, so deal. SPOILERS! FOR HEAVENS SAKE! So no complaining if you read it and don't actually want to know what happens at the end of the manga. This is all based off the MANGA. The manga and the anime are TOTALLY different. Most of the characters have different color hair and eyes, some (including Raiha) have different personalities even. The anime is seriously lacking in background and cuts off the last two story arcs, which is a shame cause they are the best parts, but I won't get started on how angry I am about the anime's crappy design. )

(If you wanna see the manga hair/eye colors you can email me at and I'll link you the avatar images I have and the scans of my manga covers)

So if you haven't read the manga and have only watched the anime, you probably won't get what's going on… And all I have to say to that is, GO GET THE MANGA! It's three times better than the anime and so much more fulfilling and exciting. Wonderful story, really. (Those of you who have seen the Fullmetal Alchemist anime and read the manga know the same pain. Tear )

Every spoken line in the whole story are actual quotes from the manga of Flame of Recca(Translated by the Snoopy Cool team) that I have saved on my computer except for two. ) Those two are Raiha lines where he said "Kurei-sama" and "Kurei" near the very end.

So… Enough blabbling. Enjoy! (PS: Please review? I'll love you forever. ) )

* * *

**(Out of sight  
Out of mind  
Out of time  
To decide)  
**

He didn't want to do this. Not really any way, but he had to. It was all for Kurei-sama. He would protect him no matter the cost. Be it her life… Or be it his. At first he could feel himself shaking as his mind repeated over and over again. _I don't want this. I don't want to do this. I can't do this._ Forcefully he shoved it away. He could do it, and he would do it. He would not let any one stand in Kurei's way, no matter who they were. She fell to her knees, screaming at him, pleading for him not to do this. Didn't she understand? This was his duty, his life. He would give everything for this moment, for a chance to lighten the load on his master. Slowly he drew his sword as the Raijin threw sparks into the air.

_Never before…_

"Release the power of the jewel I returned to you!"

Was that his voice? It sounded so dead.

_Have I ever experienced such a heart breaking fight._

"If you refuse then you will simply die."

But then again… That was how he felt.

* * *

**(Do we run?  
Should I hide?  
For the rest  
Of my life)**

"I am… Ashamed of my blood. However, There was one who believed in me. The Flame Master destined to be the leader of the Hokage Ninja, acknowledged a descendent as one he wished to fight for him!" A soft almost wistful smile spread across his face.

"This brought me unspeakable joy." Yes. It was the first time in his life that he had been so happy in a while. Most of his early life had been lived in shame of knowing his family was made of traitors that he was a killer, but here was some one who accepted him. Some one who did not care who he was. Who loved him even more than his own mother had. (1) Over time he had found himself selflessly devoted to his master, risking everything for this person who had taken him under his wing and place in him more trust than he had shown to any one else.

"This is proof of the vow of three Jyushinshuu to protect Kurei-sama disregarding even our own lives. Signed in blood." His mind began to wander as he explained the sacrifices of Jisho and then Neon. "And now it's my turn." His face was sad. He didn't want to do this. His mind told him to run. No… For this man he would not run away.

"Please fight, Fuuko! For you to die without resistance would be too pitiful."

* * *

**(Can we fly?  
Do I stay?  
We could lose  
We could fail)  
**

So it was over. He had lost. He had failed. He was a failure. In the end his flawless devotion had not helped him. For a moment he had thought he had heard her whisper as he gave away all of his life energy in battle, _"You'll really die. If you die here, you'll never protect your precious Kurei."_ He shook his head at the memory's voice. Even though he had lived he still couldn't protect his… precious… Kurei, but if he had died he would not have to live with the shame of failure. That was what a proper shinobi should do. In the event of failure they had to commit seppuku, ritual suicide.

"After the Raijin shattered… My right arm all but died. And as a bonus, after all that life energy was taken from me, I can only barely manage to stand… I can't possibly fight like this. I can only hold Kurei-sama back, now. It looks like I was the only one unable to complete the vow. Neon." Placing his goofy mask back on he lifted his head from staring at his dying arm and he stared as Neon emerged from the shadows where she had been watching. Her face was serious and her arms were crossed in a rather imposing manner. She spoke to him, but at first he barely listened, just smiling and nodding at her words.

"The fight with Kirisawa Fuuko… Was it painful? Did you wish to run?" The mask fell and he dropped his face. Her words too close to home. Was that what got in the way? Is that why he failed? Did he let it get in the way?

* * *

**(In the moment  
It takes  
To make plans  
Or mistakes)**

The woman smiled at him sympathetically. She held such respect for him, the man who taught her everything she knew about fighting, about how to protect her master. However her face grew serious and she began to speak. Her voice was sharp as she lectured him and his eyes widened at the words that left her mouth.

"What was done by your ancestors 400 years ago… You think that is your blood identity? That's why you joined the Jyushinshuu? That's not it! You fight because you care for Kurei-sama right!?" (2) Of course he cared for Kurei-sama. Deep down he felt something stir within him. It was more than friendship… What he wanted… No! He shook his head. Neon mistook it for something else. No, that was indecent. He wouldn't let himself think that, no matter how much it hurt to ignore it and let it grow.

Suddenly she was before him, grabbing his shirt. With pained eyes he looked down at her as she smiled softly up at him, her voice lecturing, yet reassuring, "Pound this into your head, ordinary man. You are not a person known as 'Hokage Descendent'. You are a person known as 'Jyushinshuu Raiha'! From now on you must be his strength! You hold the devotion of earth as well… I can think of no answer…"

* * *

**(Thirty minutes, a blink of an eye  
Thirty minutes to alter our lives  
Thirty minutes to make up my mind  
Thirty minutes to finally decide)**

He limped beside Neon as quickly as he could, trying to keep up with her swift pace. He understood her anxiety, he felt the same. The final battle had begun already. They had felt the tremors earlier, though now things seemed to have gone still. His heart raced beneath his ribs, and against his side he could feel Neon's own heart thudding. Were they too late? Had Hokage lost? Could Kurei handle this alone? Was Kurei dead?

He shook his head. No! He would not let that happen. He saw Neon smile down at him worriedly. She knew what he was thinking and it was obvious that she held the same worries. The look of determination and the smile he threw her gave her hope and he saw her face light up and together their pace increased. They were running out of time. This was it. The final battle. The time that could change everything. Would they live? Would they all be devoured?

Before he knew it they were in front of the door… This was it.

Neon slammed the door open with a booted foot to reveal a saddening scene. The Hokage all knelt defeated, Recca blindly clinging to Yanagi's dead body. (3) They had failed? Alone among the group Kurei stood fighting against the Tendou Jigoku. Despite the signs that he was losing he had no hesitation and his voice boomed through the room as he spoke in a calm yet disappointed voice to Recca… To his brother.

In a moment of distraction Kurei was hit by the long worm like monstrosity that a part of the Tendou Jigoku's body had formed. As it wheeled to strike again he felt his eyes narrow. It would not get a second chance to strike his master. With a hiss he drew his sword and with his remaining strength he threw. Even in his deteriorating state he still hit the monster dead in the center of its head causing it to rear up and bellow in anger, for a moment forgetting its prey.

Both the Tendou Jigoku and Kurei glanced up in surprise and Neon smiled grimly with pride, holding onto her charge as he slumped, his strength now gone. He gave a reassuring smile to his master. He believed in Kurei. He would give Kurei the same trust that Kurei had given him. Kurei paused before he rose and meeting his shinobi's eyes he gave a small nod. They would win.

* * *

**(Thirty minutes to whisper your name  
Thirty minutes to shoulder the blame  
Thirty minutes of bliss, thirty lies  
Thirty minutes to finally decide)  
**

He stared in amazement around him as the madogu began to break apart, disappearing into thin air. They had won… They had won! They were finally free. His body was still weak from his drained spirit, but his wounds had healed with Yanagi's healing flames. Turning he cast his eyes away as Kurei bid farewell to Jisho and Kurenai. This was a private moment not meant for his eyes. Before him Recca gazed in surprise as Jisho and Kurenai burst into nothing, their fire erupting and then fading away.

"… Why…? Hime went back to normal… But his flame…!?" He shook his head softly and with a serious tone he explained to his master's half brother, "Their bodies perished long ago. Though their souls may be free, they no longer have a place to return to… It's not just those two. Up until the time he came here, he lost countless numbers." Slowly he felt his face grow sad. Something did not feel right. Would Kurei lose more? "You're happy Hanabishi Recca."

As his gaze turned back to Kurei he felt the joy of victory fade from him. Why did it not feel like it was over yet? That there was still more to lose? Had this moment of joy just been a lie?

"Kurei-sama?" He felt his voice come out as a frightened whisper, weaker than he had meant it to be.

**(Carousels  
In the sky  
That we shape  
With our eyes)**

"Raiha… Neon…"

Slowly Kurei removed his mask, turning to face him and Neon, a warm smile forming on his face. But in his eyes… There was something. He could feel his eyes widen. What was his master planning? As Kurei continued to stare he could feel his face melt into a warm smile, his eyes closing, not trusting himself to keep them emotionless. Not trusting himself to hide the feelings building inside as he sensed what was coming.

"I give you my gratitude. Through today, you both have done well. The Uruha is now disbanded."

Inside he felt something drop. It was like riding a roller coaster as you fell over the first drop. That feeling that you were tumbling to nothingness. So this was it. Beside him he saw Neon drop her head, her eyes shut tight as she struggled to hold back her tears. He wished he could let himself show his feelings like that, but he couldn't bring himself to drop the silly mask that he always clung too.

Turning suddenly with determination Kurei threw his left hand up, "And with that…!" Before him a twisting vortex began to form. Behind him he could hear Kagerou scream, "Jikuuryuuri!!?(4) What are you doing Kurei!!?" Forcing himself to keep holding his face in the same gentle smile he waited as Kurei spoke.

"In my body remains enough Hokage powers to complete this one final secret art. The Hokage is gone. Unlike you, there is no chance of me becoming immortal… There's one last thing that still needs to be accomplished. I am returning to that time. Alone…"

**(Under shade  
Silhouettes  
Casting shame  
Crying rain)**

So this was it. He was leaving. After everything he had done for him, for his master, Kurei was going away… Somewhere he could not follow. The smile wavered, but he held tight. Beside him Neon gazed on with tears pouring from her eyes, "Kurei-sama!" She clutched her arm tightly as if resisting the urge to grab onto Kurei. Inside he knew he felt the same way, but he wouldn't let it show. He couldn't. It was wrong. It was indecent for him to feel this way. That is what he had always been told.

Instead he felt his eyes burn as he held it back and his voice call out sounding hollow even to his own ears, "May good fortune be with you." Good fortune? Of all the stupid things, why did he have to say that?

**(Can we fly?  
Do I stay?  
We could lose  
We could fail)**

Kurei began to step towards the portal.

Two minutes…

Before him Recca called out to Kurei, for the first time in his life calling Kurei his older brother before he finally tossed him a thumbs up, a goodbye more his style. Kurei glanced back and smiled, all the hate he had felt for his brother fading in that look.

**(Either way  
Options change  
Chances fail  
Trains derail)**

Continuing Kurei stepped through the twisting portal, his body faded from sight. He could feel his body jerk, his mind screaming over and over. _Go! Run! Chase after him! Don't leave me!_ But his feet remained still, his fists clenching. Beside him he could hear Neon's breath hitch.

One minute…

Moving before the portal Kaoru smiled sadly at first, but it grew stronger as he said his farewells. Yes… He would keep Kurei from being alone.

**(Thirty minutes, a blink of an eye  
Thirty minutes to alter our lives  
Thirty minutes to make up my mind  
Thirty minutes to finally decide)**

With a final wave Kaoru ran blindly forward after his "brother".

Thirty seconds…

The portal flickered and he heard the others exclaim in sorrow as Kaoru disappeared.

_What are you waiting for fool!? Go! Don't leave! Don't leave! Stay! Come back! RUN RUN!_ Again his body jerked, but he held his place, his legs shaking.

**(Thirty minutes to whisper your name**

**Thirty minutes to shoulder the blame  
Thirty minutes of bliss, thirty lies  
Thirty minutes to finally decide)**

"Kurei…" He couldn't bring himself to add the title… He felt too betrayed. He couldn't make the word leave his lips. He didn't notice the way his voice shook. The hesitant way Neon glanced at him.

Fifteen seconds…

The portal glimmered brightly beckoning him.

_No…_

**(To decide  
To decide)**

He watched as his vision blurred, his grip on his emotions fading. Slowly his head titled down in an effort to hide the losing battle.

Ten seconds…

The portal flickered and the glimmering began to dim, its power waning.

_Stay…_

For a moment a woman's face flickered in his mind. (5) Yes… he could see the similarities to then and now.

**(To decide**

**To decide)**

A warmth trailed down his face. His impassive lips curled into a disappointed frown. Another failure? He couldn't hold them back just once more? What was one more disappointment from all the rest? Why was this so different? Why did it feel hollow inside?

Five seconds…

The portal jerked sharply and began to shrink. Neon let out a soft sob and he felt her hand on his shoulder.

_Don't…_

**(To decide  
To decide)**

Slowly his hand raised towards his face. Gently a hand grasped his wrist.

One second…

Neon's hand held his wrist firmly, but it was gentle. Despite his best efforts he knew she could feel the trembling from his body. She wouldn't let him raise his hand, wouldn't let him hide it any more. Didn't some one say that tears were healing rain?

_You can't leave me…_

**(To decide**

**To decide)**

With one final farewell glimmer the portal closed.

The small splash seemed to echo through the room. He didn't care that they were staring, that the room was silent.

Another splash than another. Was there an echo in the room? Blurry vision gazed at the floor and a bitter smile formed on his face. No… He had never been that lucky.

_Stay…_

Zero seconds…

* * *

1) There is NO mention what so ever of his mother any where in the manga or the anime, however in my head I've made up a story for his past. In it basically I just have his mother as being a not so nice person and after a few years she sticks him in an orphanage cause she doesn't feel like taking care of him any more. 

2) For those of you who haven't gotten this far. (Gasp Dirty spoiler readers! Hehe. X I love spoilers…) Raiha is actually pure blood Hokage. He is a child born of members of the clan who had fled from battle in fear. (Well… he may not be PURE blood… but I like to pretend he is.)

3) Yes… That's right. I said Yanagi's DEAD body. O She dies, but don't worry! She comes back to life by the end of the manga. I remember when I first read that scene I was like, "…Wait… WHAT!?" I flailed around my room for a while going, "She can't DIE! That's not allowed to happen! Bad Anzai! Bad!"

4) The Jikuuryuuri is the time warp that Kagerou created to cast Recca, and accidently Kurei, into another time.

5) Again a reference to Raiha's made up mother. I have a mental image of a scene where Raiha chases after her when she leaves him at the orphanage and when he calls out to her she stops and slowly glances over her shoulder before mouthing the word stay at him and walking off.

Well… Way to go me, writing that before I am going to go to bed. O Looks like I won't be getting any sleep. Um… Can we say depressing? Geeze. Ah well, I'm a sucker for sad stories, even if they make me cry I can't resist reading and writing them. Stories that make me aw and tear up always happen to be some of the best stories I ever read. Interesting how that works.

) Well I hope you enjoyed. This is the first story I have actually finished in years. Also really short too. Heh. I've been disappointed in myself lately because my muse has been totally dead. I've tried to write so many fanfics for this wonderful series, but I can never get one out. Finally listening to several of T.A.T.U's songs I decided, "Screw it! I'm gonna sit down and write the best darned short story I can and I'm gonna darn well post it!"

I've always wondered how Raiha felt about Kurei just saying, "Sweet! Thanks for all your near death sacrifices Neon and Raiha, but I'm out of here! Have fun finding new homes and jobs! Btw Raiha, you might not want to put "hired assassin" on your resume… even if it's like… the only job you ever had."

I was rather disappointed with the lack of closure on what happens to Raiha at the end of the manga. They give you a tiny tidbit on Neon, to show she is happy and moved on, but nothing on Raiha… bah. ) But enough ranting, I want your help with something!

For a long while I've been attempting to write a multi-chapter story as sort of a continuation of the manga, and by a long while I mean about two years now. However I have barely written anything out and I can't come up with anything good. There are some things that I know I want to happen, such as I want it to be KureixRaiha, which means I have to actually get Kurei's but BACK into the right time (Or wrong time depending on how you look at it…) and I know I want it to involve the madogu again, which means bringing the Hokage curse back. I also want to try to delve into the past that I made up in my head for Raiha. Granted I'm going to edit a lot and cut out a lot of the ideas because some are rather… nasty and I'm too sadistic. I have a general idea of how to start the story though, but no idea how to continue.

) Any ideas you have I would love for you to share with me. I'll make sure to give you credit for you contributed ideas.

But whether you have ideas or not, review please! ) I'm such a review whore. Heh.


End file.
